Let me be clear before I share this that I am not suicidal and I don’t want to die.
It’s just that when I come to the edge of a height, my mind is flooded with thoughts of jumping. I can’t think about anything else.
I can be having the best day ever. Then I walk up to a railing, as I did this day in the Boone County, Indiana, courthouse, and all I can think of is leaping over the edge. I have to walk away, quickly.
Similarly, when I drive over a high bridge, my mind fills with thoughts of driving my car right off the edge. I turn up my music and sing loud to distract myself.
I’m not in danger of harming myself, but the thoughts are a little disturbing.
Is there a psychiatrist in the house? A psychologist? An LCSW or an LMHC? I’m sure that a professional can explain it. The best I can come up with is that I’m intensely curious about what falling feels like. After all, for decades now I’ve said that my bucket list contains one item: to parachute solo out of an airplane.
I’m telling you this because coming upon this photo recently made me think of it. But also, I think things like this are common to humanity, but few people know it because nobody talks about it.
I took this photo to find out if it would help me push past these thoughts. It didn’t.