Thank you for your good, kind words

I want to thank you for sharing your condolences yesterday when I shared the news about the loss of our daughter. They were a balm. When this hurts a lot, I can go back and look at your good words and be comforted.

May, 2004. Taken with my wife’s Pentax K1000.

Here’s a photo of Rana with my brother Rick. She had just graduated high school; it was 2004.

When you have a child who has transitioned their gender, it’s hard to know how to refer to them when speaking of times before their transition. In 2004, Rana still identified as male, and was called Ross. She became Rana only a few years ago.

Rana told me it was okay if I used he/Ross when speaking of her before her transition.

2004 was the year my marriage to Ross’s mom came to an end. That began the hardest time of my life.

The divorce was acrimonious and Ross’s mom forbade him from talking with me. I had no contact with Ross for a couple years.

After the divorce was final and my life settled, I reached out to Ross and invited him over. He came right away. We met clandestinely for more than a decade, keeping it a secret even from my two other sons, as Ross believed his mom would not approve of our relationship.

By this time, Ross was an independent adult and had a full life, so our meetings were infrequent. But we both made sure they continued.

Finally Ross decided to stop the charade and let his mom know. It was a blessing to be able to invite Ross to family gatherings at last! To be a whole family, as we always should have been.


11 responses to “Thank you for your good, kind words”

  1. John Holt Avatar

    Wow, Jim, what bravery for both you and Rana! It’s just too bad that our society (her mother?) has such a bad time with people who discover they’re of the wrong gender, and correct it for their lives to be better. Stay strong!

    1. Jim Grey Avatar

      For the record, Rama’s mom was 100% supportive.

  2. Lisa Marie Stevens Avatar

    💔 for your loss Jim. I may not always reply but I always read your posts. Thank you for sharing this devastating news. She was a beautiful brave soul. Someday this world will be deserving. I hope we live to see it.

  3. fishyfisharcade Avatar

    I hope you are able to take consolation from the relationship you had together. The fact that you worked to maintain your connection through difficult circumstances speaks well of your care and love for Rana. Take care Jim.

  4. Rhianne Avatar

    It seems so little to offer but we’re here for you Jim, even if it is virtually ❤️ it sounds like you and Rana were lucky to have each other

  5. Martin Cutrone Avatar
    Martin Cutrone

    So sorry to read of your loss. I hope you can take comfort in the relationship you had in recent years with your daughter.

  6. J P Avatar

    It speaks highly of you how hard you tried to keep that relationship going, something that was clearly appreciated (if not by your ex).

  7. Shirley B. Avatar
    Shirley B.

    It probably meant a lot to Rana that your contact was restored and resumed. Even more so when she transitioned.

    My brother used to be my sister, so I know how important support and acceptance from the outside world can be.

    You accepted Rana/Ross for the person she was. You maintained the relationship. You loved her and supported her.

    That’s all that matters.

    1. Jim Grey Avatar

      Shirley – this is exactly what I tried to do, just simply accept Rana and keep the relationship. A transition is very hard and everyone who does it needs people who just don’t bat an eyelash, and just accept.

      1. Shirley B. Avatar
        Shirley B.

        I totally agree with you, Jim.

  8. dmitrizzle Avatar

    I’m so sorry, Jim. Please accept my deepest condolences.

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