First published Dec. 18, 2008. A friend has wanted to talk lately about the hard work of forgiveness, so I’ve been thinking about what I’ve learned about it over the past few years.

No More Sake
Photo credit: Matt Reinbold

Not long enough ago I hurt someone pretty badly and was hurt back as badly in return. We had cast down the china teacup of our relationship and it shattered. The best repair we could manage leaked through its glued seams. It wouldn’t hold and we came apart for good.

That experience taught me a lesson that seemed paradoxical at the time but is now so obvious that it’s elementary: Getting over being hurt means accepting the pain. It doesn’t go away as long as you deny it. It doesn’t go away as long as you ruminate on it, where it builds resentment. Acceptance is the only way through; acceptance accomplishes most of the healing. As I worked at simply letting myself hurt – and it hurt a lot – the pain diminished and disappeared, and I came to no longer hold anything against that person.

Because I’m given to foolish fantasies of a harmonious world, I also learned a second, more difficult lesson. I always thought that when I forgave, it was to be as though the wrong never happened and that I should be reconciled to the one who hurt me. God says that when he forgives, he remembers our sins no more. He gives second, fifth, ninety-fourth, and seventy-times-seventh chances. But while God loves reconciliation, he also does not want me to keep putting myself in harm’s way. Two people can simply not be good for each other. Maybe one or both have a nature that’s toxic to the other. Maybe the number or severity of past hurts make it too hard to rebuild trust. Maybe their needs conflict in too many ways. So sometimes the best way I can care for myself is to let the other person go. I’m sure that a few people are best off having let me go, too.

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Comments

6 responses to “Unrightable”

  1. DougD Avatar
    DougD

    Thanks Jim, I do recall reading about the relationship cup before, maybe I did read this one years ago or you’d mentioned it elsewhere.

    1. Jim Grey Avatar

      I thought I’d rerun this once before, and maybe I did but deleted that rerun. Maybe that’s where you read this.

  2. Heide Avatar
    Heide

    “Getting over being hurt means accepting the pain.” That’s beautifully put, Jim, and so wise.

    1. Jim Grey Avatar

      Thank you, H!

  3. Peggy Avatar

    It’s good to read this, as like many, I also have people in my past I miss desperately but am better off without. I need reminding every now and then or I get fixated on the good times and forget the many other times.

    1. Jim Grey Avatar

      I get that. I have a few people in my past who are in the category too.

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